The Memory of a Gold Fish

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It has been suggested that an Elephant never forgets.
I cannot verify this, I do not know many elephants.
I do not know many facts to be true about elephants.
On a recent trip to a zoo and the elephant exhibit, a zoo representative did fill us in on the size of an elephants vagina.
I will offer that to anyone on a need to know basis and I do not think anyone really needs to know.
It has also been suggested that a gold fish has a memory that lasts no longer than 3 seconds.
This is not true.
Goldfish have been trained to navigate mazes and can recognize their owners after a period of exposure equivalent to several months.
You see I would have never known this.
I think my record for sustaining the life of a gold fish is about ten days.
In that brief period of time they never seemed to learn their name and never swam to the edge of the bowl to greet me when I got home from work.
I thought I had trained one once to play dead but then I realized that it was in fact dead.
My thrill of accomplishing the impossible by training a gold fish to perform a trick was soon taken over by guilt and humiliation as I flushed the poor creature down the toilet.
Perhaps I had worked the fish too hard.
Who performs these studies anyway? Do they get paid for it? Are they under the influence of narcotics and Cool Ranch Doritos when they come up with them? I find particularly disturbing the concept that they can be trained to navigate a maze.
Why is this disturbing to me? My wife will be the first to tell you, and also take the most pleasure out of revealing that I am the only person she knows that has difficulty figuring out how to get out of a parking lot.
When my wife reads this article she will undoubtedly state that I must have the mind the size of a gold fish to which I will reply no honey I do not have the mind the size of a gold fish I simply have a memory smaller than that of a gold fish.
That is something completely different.
I think.
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