He Came Back To Me After Cheating. Will He Stay?

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I often hear from wives whose husbands have recently returned to them after cheating or having an affair.  While many are relieved that their husbands have returned, they are also often filled with doubt about whether the marriage will survive and whether their husband will end up staying with them for the long term. I often hear comments like: "He came back to me after his affair, but is he going to stay?  I'm really scared that he'll eventually go back to her and that I'm just wasting my time.  Do men often stay after they come back from cheating?  How do I know what he's going to do in the days to come?"

The truth is, you can't see into the future and there are never any guarantees that he's going to stay.  But what you can control is how you handle the situation right now and your efforts to improve the marriage and the level of happiness for both of you.  These things can improve the chances that you'll both want for him to stay.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Him Coming Back After The Affair Or Cheating Is Only The First Step. There's Still Work To Do:  Sometimes, people assume that his coming back to them is the final victory.  They're so relieved that it doesn't appear that they've lost him for good that they don't dare question things or want to rock the boat.  But, if you haven't done anything to address why he cheated on you or had an affair in the first place, then you potentially leave yourself vulnerable to his cheating or leaving again.

Not only this, but if you don't do the work that's necessary to really rehabilitate the relationship and heal the hurt caused by the cheating, you will likely secretly have your doubts that he really wants to be with you or that he really wants to stay.  This type of doubt can sabotage or weaken a marriage or relationship that already has a lot to address and overcome.  That's not to say that any of this will be easy, but the hard work is often the thing that will give you confidence in the relationship again so that your doubts aren't sabotaging what you want the most.

Once The Work Is Done, You Have To Make A Decision As To Whether You Trust Him Or Not.  You'll Also Have To Decide If You Have Enough Confidence In The Relationship:  Working on your relationship after infidelity can feel like an uphill climb.  I often tell people that if they still have doubts, this usually means that that there's still work to do - either on your relationship, yourself, or your partner.  I can't stress enough how much you should not rush this process even though it's often very tempting to do so.

If you still have concerns and doubts, this is sometimes an indication that there's still some area that doesn't have a resolution or enough closure or safeguards.  Sometimes, I will have people tell me that they've uncovered every stone and done everything that can be done and they very much want for the relationship to work.  But despite all of this, they continue to worry that he'll leave or cheat again.

If you're absolutely sure that you've been given what you need to heal and you also know that he's been sincere, remorseful, and rehabilitated, then sometimes you just have to make a very conscious choice to trust him until he gives you a reason not to.  This can feel scary, uncomfortable, and vulnerable.  It can be hard to have confidence in a relationship that has already let you down. 

But if you continue on always worrying that he's going to leave again when he has done anything to indicate this isn't the case, you run the real risk of your fears becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.  However, if deep down you worry that your fears have merit, there's nothing wrong with continuing to work on the relationship to keep your fears from actually occurring.  This is better than than constantly fearing and expecting the worst case scenario.

I had my doubts that my husband would stay after his cheating. Thankfully, he eventually learned how to show his true remorse and how to move us both forward. And, I learned that I had some work to do on myself. These things helped a lot. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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