But you know, the more I listen to couples, the less sure I am about that.
Wedding planning, as we know, provides lots of opportunities to fine-tune your fair fighting skills.
Or build them completely, if everything has gone along smoothly until now.
There will be things that the two of you will disagree on.
If there aren't things that the two of you disagree on, one of you isn't participating very enthusiastically! So, what do you need to do, if you've had a fight, to bring things back to normal and transform them into sweetness?
- You both need to apologize for letting things get hot.
If one or the other of you was way out of line, you need to apologize seriously, and look to see what set you off, and examine what made you think you were allowed to do that?
- One or both of you may need a bit of time to cool off a bit.
Take the time you need.
It's great to say, "I'm going to go finish this project I was working on when we got sidetracked, let me go finish it, regroup a bit, and then let's meet on the couch in 20 minutes for a cool drink.
What do you want? I'll bring the drinks.
- Talk about the process if you need to, but only if you can stay level and reasonable.
- Toast one another and your love.
Remember, on both a mental and heart level, why you're getting married.
- Toast getting through a thorny problem, that became far more important than it warranted.
- Change the topic.
Talk about something fun.
(maybe something unrelated to wedding planning!)
- Just hang out a little, watch TV or just breathe.
- Neck a little.
Try necking without a goal of escalation.
If it goes somewhere, great, if not, you still have projects to accomplish!
You may want to create a Making-Up Ritual.
You may want to do different things every time.
But take the time to celebrate the things that make you great as individuals and as a couple.
Recuperating and reconnecting after a fight is as important as solving the problems and changing the fighting behavior.
Practice this during your wedding planning time.
Celebrate the progress you've made during your wedding ceremony.
Commit to celebrating and making-up during your wedding vows and then live into the reality of a life made richer by continually reconnecting and deepening your ties to one another.