I am so grateful to Alcoholics Anonymous and the program's insistence that €There is one who has all power and that one is God, may you find Him now€. AA forced me to meet the God issue head-on and told me that if I was going to get and stay sober then I must overcome my emotional confusion and solve the God problem.
If you are struggling with God and having a hard time getting or staying sober then I suggest you try trusting Him to be what you need Him to be. Your view of God does not need to be a god of religion or a god that you were told to believe in when you were growing up, but it does need to be the God of creation. If your God is not the God of creation then don't expect him to create a sober version of you and true alcohol recovery will never come and no drug treatment center can ever fix you.
I can tell you that over the years my relationship with God has grown from the first concept I had of God when I first came into AA and 21 years later of living sober, but the Big Book said it would. I just needed to embrace God for who I needed Him to be and trust Him that He would be there. I did and He did, and I have grown in my understanding, trust and love.
When I was growing up I did not go to church, but every now and then my parents would send me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mom. My dad did believe in God, but as usual the alcohol would always come first. Even with that, I remember my father talking about God and love and how €God is my life€.
The problem with that was if God loves me and He is my life then why do I live in fear and why does my dad drink the way he does? I am sure you can understand my confusion. As a young child most things are confusing, but this inconsistency about love, God and what was happening my real life left me in an emotional mess. I feel this is one of the reasons that I fell into teen alcoholism.
I always wanted to embrace God and feel the love my father spoke of, but I could not get past the thought that €if God is love and He loves me then why do I hurt the way I do?€ This feeling would haunt me for many years. It was one of the reasons I drank and used so often and so early on and the signs of alcoholism were all around me. The pain surrounding the need for God's love and my personal life required pain medication and I was bound and determined to find the €right€ combination.
I tried to find God in various drug and alcohol mixtures, relationships, jobs, different locations, married with and without children, etc. Nothing seemed to work and I kept slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness that comes with addiction. My life was out of control and to this day I am amazed I lived through it all and am living sober.